Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Finding a new me

This is me, you all know me. But I wanted to share something that has been on my mind for weeks now and I've just gotta get it out! So I felt like it took all of my college years to "find myself", figure out who I was and what kind of person I was. I found myself, accepted myself, and even grew to love myself. I enjoyed being the type of person I was. I continued to grow older, have more experiences, got married, did more years of college; I moved out of state, twice; had kids, bought a home, and started a small business. Most of you know that I started selling Mary Kay recently. It has been an amazing experience that I have really enjoyed. I have gotten to know so many amazing women and I am so grateful to have them apart of my life and helping me succeed! But on this new path I have heard them describe me and say what kind of person and personality I am and it had me shocked! It wasn't necessarily bad or wrong things but I was saying to myself, 'no, that's not who I am', 'no, I am not like that', 'really, this is so unlike me'. And it had me sad that they saw me as someone different than I saw myself. 
  I came home one day from a full day saying, 'who am I?' It had me really frustrated, it's been on my mind for weeks! I feel like as I've gotten older and had more responsibilities placed upon me (kids, house, house payments, etc) I have kind of lost myself as a person. Is this normal, does anyone else feel this way? Am I still the same person but have lost a bit of myself or have I changed all together? I realize that we're constantly changing and evolving but am I totally different person now? Can I still be the person that I accepted when I was in college or do I need to re-find myself and accept and fall in love with the new me all over again? And if that's the case how often do I need to do this? Talk about exhausting! It was hard enough to do in college on my own and now I have to do it all over again?
  Now I feel like I'm almost forcing myself to be the person I was to help find the person I used to be. I want other people to see me how I see me, but now I feel like I'm working too hard. I'm heartbroken that I'm nearing 30 and am feeling so lost. Any thoughts to share?


Clint and Courtney Summers said...

Think of all the things you have gone through since falling in love with yourself for the first time..you are definitely a different person, but your core is still the same. You are still wonderful, funny, smart, kind, loving, etc... But I don't think you would want to be the same person. Falling n love with yourself again won't take nearly as much work this time, after all, you are still you..with some new qualities to add to the pot :)

Holly Harris said...

My husband once joked that, "Men are the same person from birth to death; women are like three or four different people from birth to death." And, he was actually right, in my opinion.

There's the girl, then the grown woman college free funny girl, then the mom, and then finally who ever we become after the craziness of menopause is over. Haha.

It's natural. Well, at least I have found myself feeling this EXACT same way. And, it's funny because I was at a game night, and in the game we had to make guesses based on what we assumed the other person would do. I was very surprised at some of the things people assumed of me. It was weird. And, when I mentioned I love Wayne's World, people were super surprised. (what? people don't see *me* as a Wayne's world likin' person. WEIRD!) And, I've been wondering how others perceive me too.

I have found that, people mostly see me in "mom" mode. Where my life isn't just for me -I watch my words, jokes, my music, shows because I alone influence my kids the most. But, still all this is only one little sliver of who I am.

I'm guessing that's your case too. No you're not the same person you were when you finally fell in love with yourself the first time -but, you haven't lost that girl. That person is just one side of the now "more complex" YOU.

If you're looking to find yourself again, my advice would be to start doing TOTALLY new things. (like in college! we try a million classes to see what we like, and have lots of different friends)
You'll start to see what you really like and don't, and realize where your heart is....and wherever your heart is, is WHO you are. (and remember this means more than wife and mom)

Could you be a runner? a hiker? and mountain biker? a sewer? a classic blk/white movie lover? a chef/baker? You'll get there. And, you'll grow more and one day wonder who you are again.

But this is a good thing -you'll be all the more well rounded and wise for looing at yourself so deeply.

Crenda said...

Dear Camille,
I rarely, go read blogs and then share anything, but today I really felt to read yours, then I wanted to respond, but give you more than a one liner. I do not have an email address or really anyway to get this to you privately, but I decided that while I am writing it for you, I would share this with anyone so to anyone who is not Camille who is reading this, I hope somehow it helps you as well.
There has been once in my life when I really felt lost. Sort of like what you were talking about when you were in college. That was when I returned from my mission. I was no longer the Crenda I was before my mission because I had grown and changed so much. And I was no long Sister McDougal, like on my mission. So who was I? I did what you did and really found myself. And I loved who I felt I was and who I knew people saw me as because I heard what people said.
But since becoming a mother I have had to re-find myself on a few different occasions. They have not been as huge of a quest as before. And truthfully the last one has been in the past few weeks. As mothers, we give so much of ourselves and our time to so many different people and causes, that when we then think of ourselves we have nothing more to give. We pick up bad habits, we don’t do things that give us fulfillment or continues to better ourselves. Or maybe it has been so long since we have seen ourselves as an individual that we do not know who we are without associating ourselves with what we do. We are mothers, wives, housekeepers, employees. And each one of those we act differently because of the responsibilities associated with each title and what is expected of us. I sometimes really hate the question, “What do you like to do?” or “what are your hobbies?” Like I have time for things like that. I know what I use to like to do.
I have recently come to see that these times that we feel the need to re-find ourselves are the times that maybe the spirit is telling us that we can be a little better and do a little more. They are the times that I feel the spirit is telling me, it is time to learn and grow.
So I say, spend a day or so, or a week, or longer and think about what is it in your life that is making you feel this way? Think about these questions. What are you missing that use to be there? What is it about your life that you always thought your life would be like but is not yet like? What kind of characteristic traits do you admire in others that you wish you had? Then when you have an answer to one or all of these, you will know what you need to do to find yourself and be the self that you want to be.
I wish you the very best of luck. Remember that we all have gone through this and we will go through it again at some point in our life. While I do not know you deeply, I know that you are good and that you do your best and your heart is pure. You wont go wrong.

Kathryn O. said...

The only thing constant in life is change... or so the old saying goes. I was having a conversation with a friend while back and we discussed how people will often say to each other negatively, "wow, you've changed." But, I think it would be sad if we didn't! Thank goodness I don't still act like a 16 year old! ;)

But on a more serious note, I went through a rough patch after Ila was born. I didn't know how to incorporate being a mom into my identity. I felt that I'd lost the old me. I didn't know who I was. It was hard. I felt alone. I cried, A LOT. But as I reached out to others, I found out I was not alone. Big changes (even good ones) are difficult. Sometimes you lose pieces of yourself, but you gain new pieces.

I haven't read the other comments you've received, but I think it's safe to say that feeling this way is common experience. Not that that makes it easier, but at least you know you can commiserate with and get support from others.

I think it's wonderful that you came to point to totally love yourself at such a young age... some people never get there. I think you'll get there again, and realize that you are still you, just with some new experience and new pieces.

Camille said...

Thank you all for taking the time to share your experiences with me! I truly do appreciate it! Thank you for giving me somewhere to start looking and searching. I have gotten a lot of feed back and ideas of where to begin and you know, I'm actually looking forward to the process! Change is constant, I guess it's just a matter of keeping up with it, right? Thanks again, I am so blessed to have so many amazing women in my life!